This Makes Me Unnecessarily Happy

I may have problems.

Hey! You! Move to Baltimore!

So last night I was attempting to watch a movie, and about 20 minutes in, there was a very loud bang from the first floor (I was on the 3rd floor). I immediately assumed the idiot cats had knocked over something heavy, as they do from time to time, but that first bang was followed by a second and third... when I got to the first floor, I opened the inner front door and saw that the outer front door had been kicked open, the wood around the lock shattered, paint chips everywhere. There was a guy I didn't recognize standing on my front porch, facing away from the house. I said something really coherent like "hey motherfucker, what the fuck?" and he turned around. He said something about how it wasn't him, that some dude had robbed him and "run into that apartment building", gesturing to my house. Because I am a giant flaming moron, I went back into the house to check around, turning on all the lights and picking up one of my more threatening demolition tools. By the time I came back downstairs, wrecking bar in hand, I had just about realized that the asshole was lying and that he had kicked my door in. So I went back outside, where a bunch of my neighbors had gathered, and we shared similarly vague and inconclusive eyewitness accounts that ended with: "and then he jumped in a car of some kind and drove off"... I don't know if it was ever even agreed whether he was the driver or not. The police came fairly quickly (possibly because 6 of my neighbors called simultaneously) but they were frank about the odds, which is to say, don't expect much. After telling the story above to 5 separate officers in quick succession, one of them, who apparently drew the short straw, agreed to write it up. We had a brief chat about how we both kind of wanted to move the fuck out of this cesspit, he advised me to get a big dog or a gun (the dog suggestion was offered by almost all the initial responders, although I can't help but think that a guy who decides to kick in a random door is going to be dissuaded by a series of barks; a gun would've been about as useful as the wrecking bar). Then he told me to have a good night. Then I squeezed the wood back together enough to close and "lock" the door. Then I pounded a bunch of bourbon and passed out. Then I woke up 500 times during the night every time a truck bounced down the offramp from 83.

This morning I called my insurance company and filed a claim. They're sending someone out, presumably to tell me to get a big dog, or a gun.